I haven’t had the best year. Mentally I’m exhausted and it’s affecting my life more than I thought it would so I compressed it all into a small … excerpt. Hopefully this’ll help me hold on longer this time around… I guess… all I can do is just move ‘Forwards’
My mind shattered. At this point, there was no going back. Rather than just fade away, the fragments of my shattered thoughts rang like church bells, each preaching to me another reason to fall. I stood at the edge, staring down into the empty abyss, only I could not see the bottom; a tightrope of a decision. On one side, I try to pick up the pieces. On the other side, I surrender to what has come my way. I stared down again. The well seemingly had no water but, regardless, I kicked a small rock down and, in 5 seconds, I heard the drop. ‘Deep’ I thought. My mind raced to the concept of how fast the rock may have been falling, what it may have bumped into on the way; maybe it was a ledge in the middle of the well, and it just stopped there. Maybe there was a secret cave underneath. Maybe, Maybe, Maybe. This is the reason I ended up here. One day my mind cracked and, along with it, my thoughts diverged. Now, the shattered pieces scattered about each singing a different tune as my head began to beat like an old African war drum. Over thinking.
And suddenly, as if in unison, ‘Forwards.’ The shards had merged on this one word. I could see a weird fog appear in front of my eyes. My tears. They had surged up. I tried to wipe them off but my fingers were shaking, cold and numb. Finally I had succeeded, but it was at this point my breath had stopped. I am afraid. This fall will hurt. What if I don’t die right away? Would I lie there at the bottom in the torture of the pain until I die from blood loss? What if there was something down there? I shivered at the thought of it. ‘I’ll do it tomorrow.’ I lied to myself as I took deep breaths and began piecing my mind together starting with the large pieces.
A feeling swelled up inside me, I felt the urge to hurl. Disgust. That was the feeling. I felt disgusted. Disgusted with myself. The large pieces I had put together drew the portrait of my current life: alone, bullied, abandoned. My efforts wasted, my goals unattainable. The threshold of talent was mine to own, effort had been my companion through and through but lady luck had never visited me. What had I done to her in my past life? However, right now it didn’t matter. Every time I thought Lady Luck had finally come to my aid, it ended up being a short plot of cruelty. Letting me taste happiness only to rob me of it. Proving to me that my talent and effort are both for naught. My thoughts continued and drew the portrait of what was to come, only now they had gotten silent and dark. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t hear. Only pain. Shrieking pain. Exhaustion, stress, depression, anxiety, loneliness. Emotional pain, mental pain, physical pain. ‘No more no more No More No MoRe nO MorE NO MORE NO MORE NO MORE!’ I shattered them to smaller pieces. A cold breeze blew by and almost froze my tear soaked cheeks. I am done. There are no more pieces capable of being put back together. This puzzle can’t be solved. ‘Ha. Ha … HAHA…. AHHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHA’ I lost myself in laughter. Finally! Finally escape! ‘Forwards’ the pieces all chanted in unison. ‘Forwards’ ‘Forwards’ ‘Forwards’